Straw Control, the Safe Move

I don’t condone what’s going on in San Francisco and Santa Barbara. It is a dangerous, slippery slope.

A plastic straw ban? Really?

Personally, I don’t agree with this approach. It’s too extreme. I don’t want a plastic straw BAN, just plastic straw REGULATION.

More straws certainly isn’t the answer. We should have more rules about who can buy them and who can use them.

First of all, only one straw per hooker allowed. If I want to consensually (is that even a word?) blow cocaine up a call girl’s tush, then I should be allowed to. But no sharing straws, because frankly, that would be icky. And it could spread diseases. Ten-day waiting period for cocaine straws.

If you want to use a plastic straw for snorting your own stash of cocaine, then you should have to get a permit from the government that allows you to use your straw ONLY for personal cocaine snorting.

If you want to use a plastic straw to blow bubbles in your chocolate milk, well, that just won’t be tolerated. Too much sugar, too much fat.

Almond chocolate milk? Well, that’s a different story. Just get a permit, with no waiting period 😊

As far as using plastic straws to shoot spitballs at your peers, how can anyone condone that? Violence is wrong.

But if you absolutely CANNOT control the urge to launch spit-covered wars of paper at your buddies, you should only be allowed to launch one round at a time, and only with longer straws. Ten-day waiting period, too.

The shorter the straw, the easier it is to conceal under your jacket.

No minor should be able to just walk into a store and buy a plastic straw. I don’t care if he/she says that it’s only going to be used for drinking lemonade. A guardian’s signed permission must precede any purchase of a straw by anyone under 18.

Anyone who objects to this is a rube. No one in his or her right mind is calling for an outright ban on plastic straws.

But we’ve got. To. Do. Something.