When it comes to beer, I’m like Owen Wilson in the movie Starsky and Hutch. There’s one scene in particular where he (Hutch) and Ben Stiller (Starsky) are talking about which girl they’d prefer to hook up with (Carmen Electra or Amy Smart, in this case).
Starsky: “Well, I kind of have a thing for blondes…”
Hutch: “Good, cuz I’ll take anything!”
And then Hutch ends up having a threesome with both.
That’s how I roll, just substitute beer for women. I’m a fan of a good Stella Ménage Artois, if you will.
But I’m not picky, except for Natty Light (the “The Village” of beers). I’d rather receive fellatio from a snapping turtle.
Which leads me to Beer Snobs, those folks who overthink their drink.
The type of person who utters real pithy things like “Oh, you like Coors Light? I think it tastes like goat piss.”
Okay, I really don’t want to know how much experience you have with anything that shoots out of a goat’s penis.
The type of person who throws around terms like “Hefeweizen”, or “Double IPA”, VERY liberally, and expects me to gape in awe at his or her vast expanse of beer knowledge.
Well, I’m not impressed, sorry. So dial it back a couple of notches, mmmkay?
Personally, my favorite beer is Schlitz. My grandfather was an engineer at a Schlitz bottling plant back in the day, so it has a nostalgic edge for me.
That’s me, drinking a Schlitz.
Jack Nicholson once called Schlitz the “best Goddamned drink in the world…” Granted, he was in character, in an early-70s movie, but still.
Did you ever hear Nicholson say a Double IPA was the best Goddamned drink in the world? Me neither.
So take your special craft beer and drink it. Don’t talk my ear off about it. Just drink it. 🍻
yonkaholic 
First of all, love the movie references and in general a greatly written piece.
Second of all, my problem with Coors light isn’t that it tastes like goat piss. It tastes like water with mild beer flavours. Then you drink a Budweiser, a Kokanee, a Molson, a Lucky Lager, and you’d think they all come out of the same watercooler.
Beer, to me, has to have a punch. It’s an alcoholic drink, dammit. You can’t say you like beer and drink Coors, because it doesn’t taste enough like beer to qualify. You don’t like beer, you like to appear to be liking beer. That’s more hipster than craft beer drinkers could ever be.
I’m from Germany and used to good beer, which what all this mass-produced Bud an Coors stuff is not, so when I came to North America, I stopped drinking beer thinking that all of them would be like the disappointing experiences I had with Coorsweiser. It wasn’t until years later someone mentioned there’s microbreweries and I got into craft beer. I found beers that tasted exactly like those in my home country. Hefeweizen is a german word. It means “yeast wheat” and it’s the style of beer, just like whisky has its rye and bourbon, beer has its own flavour trees. So when someone says that to you, they aren’t trying to impress you, they tell you what they are drinking, because they want to tell you what their experience is. Craft beer is different among breweries, it’s interesting and changing, and it’s fun to compare. There’s always new stuff coming out, different flavours, new ideas, always evolving, and it’s just exciting. Of course we can’t shut up about it.
It’s not like when you drink Course, of coors, where every single sip of every can is always the same. Always the bland taste of nothing with a few bubbles and then maybe there’s a hint of wheat? Nah, more likely wheat syrup, I can’t see them put actual beer ingredients in there.
So drink your stale alcoholic water, chug all the cans of your 15 pack in the hopes of extracting any sense of flavour out of them, and shut up 😊
….I don’t really mean the shut up, just wanted to end it like you did, sorry.
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Hey I appreciate the response! 😊
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Fellatio from a snapping turtle?? Hahahahahahahaha.
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