From the Bed Bug Unit Files of Detective Yonk

I work in the pest control industry (I won’t say for who, because the last thing I need right now is for my boss to find this blog and read things like “I’d rather receive fellatio from a snapping turtle.” I don’t want him to think I’m into that.)

One of the most irritating parts of my job is dealing with bed bug infestations.

Just imagine Law and Order: BBU (Bed Bug Unit):

“In the pest control system, bed bug infestations are considered especially heinous. In Raleigh, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Bed Bug Unit. These are their stories…”

DUN-DUN!

First I’ll receive a call from dispatch, notifying me that a customer fears he or she may have a bed bug infestation.

Then I’ll go to said customer’s house, interrogate and investigate:

“Where did you see this bed bug?”

“When’s the last time you saw him?”

“What was he wearing?”

“Was he armed?”

“Was he making any threatening comments or gestures?”

Then I’ll investigate the crime scene. Any place within six feet of a bed is fair game for these little bastards. Sheets, curtains, dresser drawers, lampshades, etc.

What baffles me as a BBU detective is how many victims call us in distress, but then choose not to prosecute! Bed bugs won’t stop unless they are STOPPED!

I’ve heard stories of other BBU detectives planting dead bed bugs at a customer’s house just so they can get credit for the collar. What a filthy trick!

It’s tough being a straight-arrow detective in this crooked, bed-bug-infested society.

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