Traffic Lights in Stores

Going to the store is enough of a pain in the ass, but going when it’s busy? Like, Sunday-before-the-first-day-of-school busy? Now there’s a real shit enchilada for ya.

If you’ve ever been in a Walmart on a Sunday afternoon, then you know that there aren’t enough road flares in the world to help you maneuver through all that shopping traffic with your sanity intact.

You know what we need? Traffic lights in stores.

You may not be old enough to remember how dangerous our roads were before we had traffic lights, but man, just going out in public had to have been like playing Frogger with Model Ts and horse-drawn carriages.

We shouldn’t allow the same stench of anarchy when it comes to shopping in our superstores!

It would be simple enough; traffic lights on each aisle, and two separate lanes throughout each store. One slow, and one fast.

When the light is red, don’t leave the damn aisle until it turns green.

You’re riding in one of those electric carts? Keep your ass in the slow lane.

Oh, you’re hopped up on meth and you’re buzzing around the store looking for Gushers and Fruit by the Foot? You better have your ass in the fast lane.

You’re talking to Sally, who you haven’t seen since last week, in the middle of the bread aisle, and you’re blocking traffic? Take that reunion out to the damn parking lot.

The benefits of this plan:

1. Safety in stores. It’s less likely some kid will get bulldozed by the cat lady who is pushing a cart with six containers of kitty litter and can’t stop in time.

2. People will save a fortune in therapy due to the fact that they won’t be on the verge of a nervous breakdown every time they step into a Costco.

Write your Senator, picket your city council, set fire to that old shopping cart that doesn’t have a working right-front-side wheel on your mayor’s lawn, do something to bring attention to this issue.

Because if we don’t, we’re just putting people in harm’s way just for going to Target for a pair of flip-flops.

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