Grapefruitism

Last night, over pizza and Peach brandy, my wife and I were discussing grapefruit.

She had read my previous post about how much I despise it.

That’s how I know we have a good marriage. We can disagree on some pretty important things and still get along.

“It’s really not that bad,” she said, “you just haven’t tried it the right way.”

“Oh?” I replied, “and just what is the right way to try grapefruit?”

She paused for a moment.

“Well, you can sprinkle a little sugar on it,” she said. “Or you can drink grapefruit juice.”

Blech, I’d just as soon drink camel urine out of a leper’s Reeboks.

Grapefruit is grapefruit. You can sprinkle sugar on it or squeeze it into a glass, but at the end of the day it’s still just culinary diarrhea.

It sucks in America. It sucks in Russia. It sucks in Venezuela. It sucks in North Korea. It sucks in China. It sucks in Cuba.

I haven’t been to those other countries, but I have tried to eat grapefruit. It’s lukewarm garbage to me, so I can only assume it’s lukewarm garbage everywhere else.

Do you actually think these cultural elites, these naval gazers, these democratic grapefruitists, actually like grapefruit? I doubt it, but they’re always talking about how great it will taste for the rest of us, just as long as we, you know, eat it the right way.

Unfortunately, there are too many people who don’t know how disgusting it is. All they have to hear is “free grapefruit” and the next thing you know they want free EVERYTHING.

They would be wise to study a little history before blindly jumping on the free grapefruit bandwagon.