What to do about Pedophile Priests

Anyone else hear about the grand jury report in Pennsylvania regarding sexual abuse by Catholic priests?

I don’t know about you, but I’m getting a little tired of hearing about the whole sexual-abuse-in-the-clergy thing.

Not bury-your-head-in-the-sand tired, but more like gimme-something-to-break-Limp-Bizkit-style tired.

As a Catholic (and a human being) I can’t help but be appalled every time I hear about it.

Here is a list of possible solutions to the priest-abuses-then-gets-sent-to-another-diocese-until-the-statute-of-limitations-runs-out problem:

1. Promote Less Provocative Dress

We all know that the more revealing someone’s clothing is, the more likely men won’t be able to to control themselves. Provocative clothing worn by children in church needs to be discouraged. Father McFondle might not be so eager to get his rocks off with Johnny if Johnny isn’t wearing skinny jeans and a see-through tank top. Stick with the three-piece suit, Johnny.

2. Forced Praise and Worship

As a graduate of Franciscan University of Steubenville, I can attest to the absolutely awful sounds that make up most praise and worship music. Tie a predatory priest to a chair in a sound-proof room and force him to listen to Matt Maher on repeat for at least ten hours, and he’ll never even look at a child again. He’ll be too busy trying to find a cliff to jump off of.

3. Women Priests

I might not be up to speed on this, but I never hear about nuns molesting kids (I’ve heard of nuns beating kids with rulers, but that builds character). But even if they did, everyone knows when a man does the nasty with an underage girl, it’s disgusting. But when a woman does the nasty with an underage guy, she’s just showing him how to be a man, bro. Soooooo let women be priests.

4. Drive the pedophilia out of the priest

Did you ever hear about the dad who hired a prostitute because he was afraid that his son was gay? We all know how successful that approach is, so let’s take it to the next level. Throw a suspected pedophile priest into a sound-proof room, smear Nutella all over his body, then release a gaggle of Franciscan University honeys on him. Goodbye, pedophile. Hello, Father Pimpophile.

5. Replace priests’ collars with shock collars

This idea speaks for itself.


We COULD just hold church officials accountable for trying to cover up sexual abuse and turn offenders over to the authorities, after we kick them out. You know, zero tolerance.

That would be a good start, right?

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