Wait a Minute, Mr. Goodbar

It is 2018.

We have come a long way as a society, from women’s suffrage to the Civil Rights Acts to an African American President to a Philadelphia Eagles Super Bowl victory.

However, we still have a ways to go. The next step on the road to a more progressive culture is coming to terms with…Mr. Goodbar.

First of all, where is Mrs. Goodbar (or more importantly, MS. Goodbar)? Would the candy bar still be “good” if it was not a “Mr.”? The correlation between “Mr.” and “Good” highlights a blatantly obvious endorsement of the oppressive patriarchy.

Secondly, how do we know said Goodbar is a Mr.? Just because the candy bar has nuts, and because it’s named Mr., that doesn’t necessarily mean that it identifies as a Mr.

What if Mr. Goodbar always felt that he (sorry, I don’t mean to assume) was living life in the wrong body? What if, deep down, he felt like…a Reese’s? Or a Hershey bar? Or, (gasp) a Snickers? When you assume a candy bar’s gender identity it makes an ass out of u and me.

Don’t even get me started on which bathroom Mr. Goodbar should use.

Finally, let’s not forget that this is a chocolate bar we’re talking about. Chocolate is candy. Candy is not good for you. We have an obesity epidemic in this country yet here we are hocking a chocolate bar with the word “good” in its name.

People may get confused and think that it’s good for you. Well, it isn’t.

We could change the name to Good-For-You-Bar. That sounds inclusive enough.

No, because then that would be a lie.

How about…a Good-For-You-Bar made out of spinach and kale?

Instant money-grab, I’d say.


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