Fido: The Dog Avenger

Has anyone ever created a superhero for dogs?

No no no, not a dog superhero. Rather, a superhero who specializes in protecting and rescuing man’s best friend.

Personally, I think that would be pretty badass.

I know years ago they had that McGruff “Take a bite out of crime” character, but I’m pretty sure he wasn’t a superhero.

Someone should come up with something like…Fido: the Dog Avenger, maybe.

A dog lover by day, dog protector by night!

I would say a veterinarian by day, but Fido wouldn’t care about cats, iguanas or ferrets.

Fido would prowl the city streets at night, looking to bust dog-fighting rings and/or rescue stray dogs.

Weapons/gadgets/superpowers Fido would have might include:

1. Frisbees that could be thrown like Batarangs (I don’t care if the shape of a frisbee doesn’t lend itself to such a movement. Fido could find a way).

2. Superhuman sense of smell (the ability to detect the scent of someone’s BS).

3. A steel tail that could be used as a defense mechanism.

4. Nunchucks made out of the same rope used for chew toys.

5. Electric dog collars that could be used as tracking devices.

6. Super sense of hearing (pretty self-explanatory).

Seriously, do you think Michael Vick would have participated in all those dog fights if he knew he’d have to deal with Fido: the Dog Avenger?

I don’t.

When Fido catches some asshole tying a dog to a tree, he/she would tie said asshole to the same tree. Overnight. Naked.

Hey, that asshole was probably going to leave the poor dog tied up to that tree overnight, anyway.

Or after he/she beats up criminals, Fido would leave them in small, metal crates while waiting for the police to arrive.

Be sure to pick up your dog’s poop off the sidewalk, too, or Fido might show up and stuff you in one of those poop stations.

Heaven help anyone who leaves his or her dog in a hot car. Fido would break a window, get the dog out, and then hunt down the owner and lock them in the same car.

Fido wouldn’t try to protect humans, though, because there are plenty of other superheroes who can do that. Plus, humans have a tendency to be kinda douchey, and humans aren’t dogs.

Fido would have no time for homo sapien problems.

“Oh Fido, help me! I’m being mugged!”

“Not my problem, lady. I got other bitches to save.”

Or:

“Fido, my daughter is being attacked by a Pit Bull!”

“Well, she probably deserved it.”

However, if there was a crime against a dog? Different story.

“Fido, that guy stole my dog’s chew toy!”

“I’M ON IT!”

I’m going to be super bummed if someone has already thought of this 😔🐶

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