Globetrotting through Ohio

I’ve always prided myself on being a globetrotter. No, not the Harlem kind. Sure, I can dunk a basketball…as long as the rim is set at seven feet.

I mean an actual travel-around-the-world globetrotter.

I’ve been to Toronto, Calcutta, Rio Grande, Cadiz, Dublin, Brooklyn, and Delaware.

Okay, so I have been to these places, but in reality they’re all cities/towns in the state of Ohio, the “Birthplace of Aviation.”

It seems like most Ohio cities/towns are named after other older, more famous cities.

Being a college student at Franciscan University of Steubenville, I knew a bunch of other students who spent a semester abroad in the school’s Austria program at one point or another.

When they returned to ‘Murica, I was subjected to non-stop, orgasmic stories about how great it was traveling throughout the old continent.

“Doesn’t your heart just break whenever you think of the Kartause?” Some dope posted on Facebook after returning from Austria.

Nope, it doesn’t.

Sorry if this comes across as uncouth or uncultured, but I really don’t have much interest in visiting Europe.

Don’t get me wrong, if my parents had completely covered my tuition, then I might have studied abroad. But they didn’t.

That’s life.

I got tired of hearing about how great Europe was, so I just started telling people that I had already been around the world, citing big-name places I figured might draw a few “oohs” and “aahs.”

“Oh, you’ve been to Dublin? Well, so have I! In fact, I got drunk there and partied until dawn, so what, what!”

Which is true, except that it was Dublin, OHIO, not Dublin, Ireland.

But they didn’t need to know that 😉

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