North Carolina citizens,
It is with immense excitement, and pleasure, that I announce I will be running for the United States Senate in 2020.
North Carolinians have had enough old, white, wealthy men representing them in the Senate, and I believe it is time for a young, white, middle-class man with a Spanish name to have a go at it.
You see, my birth name was Zachary, but I have since changed it to Zaquito. I did this in order to be more inclusive, because today there are many more Hispanic voters in North Carolina than there were when I was growing up.
Besides, when I was studying Spanish at Franciscan University of Steubenville, my classmates referred to me as Zaquito, so perfect fit, right?
So if ICE shows up at your door, would you feel more confident about Senator Zaquito looking out for your best interests, or Senator “Thom”?
For God’s sake, why can’t Senator Tillis spell his first name T-O-M like every other hardworking Tom in this state, anyway? If you think about it, it’s kind of insulting.
At the very least, he could change his first name to Tomas.
Anyway, I absolutely refuse to accept bribes, money, or gifts from lobbyists or special interest groups. Instead, I will be throwing my campaign at the feet of gofundme.com.
Some folks may laugh at that, but I’ve heard stories about movies that were financed by similar crowd-funding campaigns, and a political campaign is cheaper…right?
I may do the Zaquito talk, but I also do the Zaquito walk.
When I was in college I started a petition to rename the NBA team Charlotte Bobcats to Los Gatos de Bob (eventually they changed it to the Hornets. What a missed opportunity!).
Why? To be more inclusive, of course.
Also, with my extensive restaurant background, I know how to relate to working-class people of all races, even if I don’t speak particularly good Spanish.
Plus, I absolutely love North Carolina barbecue, both Eastern and Lexington styles. I heard Senator Tillis doesn’t actually like either one, and that he’s actually working on legislation to officially name MUSTARD-based barbecue the official barbecue of North Carolina!
This is NORTH Carolina, not SOUTH Carolina, Senator Tillis.
I also have zero political experience. Guess what? Donald Trump didn’t have any political experience, either. Now he’s our Commander-in-Chief.
So if you’re ready to turn the page on the Book of Tillis, look for my name on the ballot in 2020, listed as an Independent:
Zaquito T. Yonk