Halloween’s over, so let’s get back to issues that matter.
Has anyone else read about the latest incarnation of Robin Hood that’s hitting theaters later this month?
I saw some footage on Facebook and it looks…okay. I mean, I like Taron Egerton and Jamie Foxx, but…Jamie Dornan? The 50 Shades of Grey dude? Eh.
Now if Dakota Johnson makes an appearance, then I’m boycotting the shit out of it.
As a guy who portrayed Little John in a middle-school play, I know a good Robin Hood when I see it. When it comes to the Hood, Hollywood reminds me of Adam Dunn when he played for the Chicago White Sox: swing, miss, swing, miss, swing, strikeout.
From Patrick Bergin (the guy who got wasted by Julia Roberts in Sleeping with the Enemy) to Kevin Costner (the ‘Murican version) to Russell Crowe, most of the more recent attempts to bring the Hood to the screen have been a bit, um, underwhelming.
Especially when compared to THE absolute greatest Robin Hood of all time: the Disney version. A VHS childhood classic.
Just picture a bunch of anthropomorphic animals playing dress-up, and you’ve pretty much nailed it. The Hood is a fox (literally), the Sheriff of Nottingham is a wolf, and Prince John is a wildly-prissy lion (voiced by the great Peter Ustinov).
Plus, the narrator is a lute-strumming, cocksure Rooster (see what I did there?). Just try to not get his vocals stuck in your head, I dare you.
In all honesty, Disney’s Robin Hood is one of its laziest animated productions. Little John is literally just brown Baloo (Phil Harris’s voice to boot), and there’s a couple of moments that are completely lifted from The Jungle Book.
Still, it got me through quite a few boring Sunday mornings as a kid, so it will always hold a special place in my heart.
So if this upcoming Robin Hood movie blows, I’ll just look the Disney one up on YouTube (I already looked on Amazon Prime, and I’m not going to pay for it if I don’t have to).