Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my first Bad Movie Monday post!
Each Monday I will be reviewing a bad movie (hence the title 😉) because, well, I LOVE bad movies. Well, I love talking shit about bad movies.
In my opinion, there are four types of bad movies:
2. Hot Garbage
3. Entertainingly bad
4. Unfinishably bad
Each movie I review will be given one of these distinctions. If you wish to dispute my rating, just blog me 😊
Drumroll please…the film that has the honor of being the subject of my first Bad Movie Monday is:
Starring: Chuck Norris, Richard Lynch, and a bunch of B-list actors whose names I don’t remember off the top of my head.
Plot: An army of Communists invades the United States, and the only guy who can stop them is Matt Hunter (Norris), a former agent of sorts (it’s never explicitly stated which agency he worked for, but I’m guessing it was the CIA).
My Reaction: You absolutely cannot take this seriously. The movie title itself, while being slightly less subtle than “Chuck Norris Fucks Commies Up”, is laughable.
On the other hand, that’s part of what makes it fun.
I mean, there is something intrinsically amusing about a car full of baddies pulling up next to a bus packed with children and planting a bomb on it, only to have Hunter speed up to the bus, remove the bomb, catch up to said baddies, toss the bomb through the window and ask “Did you lose this?” just before it detonates.
It’s that kind of obnoxious, suspend-your-disbelief action that permeates this film.
And it’s high-larious 😂
One scene, in particular, features the main antagonist, Rostov (played by a deranged Richard Lynch), rolling up into a quiet neighborhood, whipping out a bazooka, and obliterating peoples’ houses.
Except you never see Lynch reload his weapon, and all of the explosions come from INSIDE each of the houses (but you don’t see the rockets break through any windows).
Oh, and the scene where all the Commies actually invade the US?
Jesus, it looks like an army of Antifa protesters got hold of a bunch of WWII-era landing craft and decided to re-enact the Omaha Beach landing…at night.
This movie was released in 1985, but you can clearly see one of the bad guys running up the beach with an M1 Garand. Another guy is carrying a damn Tommy-gun, for God’s sake.
They would be no match for Chuck Norris even if he had no legs. Or guns. Or a beard.
And, in the end, they’re not. Because how many Chuck Norris movies have you seen where he doesn’t win (that movie where he loses to Bruce Lee doesn’t count, because Norris isn’t the marquee attraction)?
My Rating: 3.
All in all, it’s an unintentionally hilarious “what if?”, kinda like Red Dawn except Chuck Norris isn’t a high school student. Nor is he as good of an actor as Patrick Swayze was.
I was being somewhat sarcastic, there.
Plus it has one of the all-time great taglines: “America ready, but he was!” 😂
If you’re really bored, and you’re feeling a little bit MURICAN, pick up a copy of Invasion U.S.A. and be ready to laugh.