Deck the Halls with…John McClane?

Egg Nog makes the lights look groovy

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Die Hard’s not a Christmas movie

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Well we’re only 23 days away from Christmas. Time for Santa hats, Barney Fife ornaments, Egg Nog and Hallmark Channel Movies. Ho Ho Ho!

Tis the season, on the other hand, to send out this important reminder:

Die. Hard. Is. Not. A. Christmas. Movie!

Don’t get me wrong. Die Hard is one of the all-time great action films.

Bruce Willis+Alan Rickman+automatic weapons+Al Leong=kick-ass. Simple as that.

That said, there’s nothing more irritating about this time of the year than people beating their chests on social media about how “Die Hard is my favorite Christmas movie, bro”, as if it was some sort of edgy, unconventional opinion that should elicit such a response as “Whoa, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie, dude!”

Just because a movie is set during Christmas doesn’t mean it’s a “Christmas movie.”

If Bambi Woods was wearing a Santa hat while guys finished on her face on Christmas Eve, then would Debbie Does Dallas be considered a Christmas movie?

For the record, I have not seen DDD, but I did read a summary about it on Wikipedia, so I know what I’m talking about.

Now, if John McClane learned about the true meaning of Christmas by baking a fruitcake for Hans Gruber instead of blowing him and his henchmen out of their socks, then maybe (just maybe) you could consider Die Hard a Christmas movie.

Or if McClane’s parents left him at Nakatomi Plaza by accident, forcing McClain to do some soul-searching about the importance of family during the holidays, then maybe (just maybe) you could consider Die Hard a Christmas movie.

Or, if McClane was visited by three ghosts after being left at Nakatomi Plaza by his parents and was then inspired by the true meaning of Christmas to bake a fruitcake for Hans Gruber, then maybe (that’s a big maybe) you could consider Die Hard a Christmas movie.

There isn’t even any snow in Die Hard, nor is there any trace of Candace Cameron Bure. Or Lori Loughlin. Or Lacey Chabert. Or Danica McKellar. Throw any one of those actresses in and Die Hard would be more of a Christmas movie than not.

If we’re going to use the Die-Hard-takes-place-during-Christmas-so-ta-daaaah-it’s-a-Christmas-movie logic, then where’s all the Christmas love for, say, Lethal Weapon? Or…INVASION U.S.A.?!

You never hear anyone on social media advocating for those films during the Christmas season. Why is that?

For the record, I don’t think those are Christmas movies either.

So sorry, folks, but I refuse to subscribe to the belief that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

So miss me with that shit, and excuse me while I go back to watching The Christmas Cottage with my wife.

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