New Year’s Resolutions

(If I was a dog, this is how I would look on New Year’s Eve)

Woo boy, it’s that time of year again…the end of it.

I’m grateful that I don’t have to hear any more about how “Die Hard is the best Christmas movie ever, bro!”…until next Christmas, that is (maybe I’ll have a bunker set up by then).

What an eventful year, so many crazy things happened, blah blah blah.

So now it’s about time for New Year’s Resolutions!


With 2019 just on the horizon, you can bet your yoga pants that the gym will be packed to the gills for the first few weeks of the year (until the reality that you’re not going to become an Adonis overnight sets in).

After much thought and analysis, I decided to come up with a list of resolutions that I think people SHOULD make, but probably won’t (because let’s face it, people are going to do what they want to do):

1. Mind your own business

Don’t go sticking your nose in other people’s shit. First of all, that’s a bit disgusting. Save that sort of behavior for the privacy of your own bathroom.

But seriously, worry about your own life, rather than the goings-on of others. Save the two cents for your retirement fund.

2. Get over yourself

I don’t care how big your head gets; the simple fact is that the world doesn’t revolve around you.

Would everyone be better off if it did? Maybe, but I doubt it.

Actually, we’d probably end up worse off 😉

3. Get a dog

There are plenty of dogs who are waiting for a home, and if you take care of a dog, then you’ll have less time to be offended by stupid shit like the Washington Redskins.

Plus, dogs are (wait for it) ADOWABOWL!

4. Read a book

Forget iPads or the internet, crack open a good old-fashioned book. You may be surprised at how much you enjoy it.

Here’s a list of suggestions:

-Killing the SS: The Hunt for the Worst War Criminals in History

-The Grapes of Wrath

-The Monkeywrench Gang

-Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark

-More Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark

-anything by Ernest Hemingway

-nothing by Nora Roberts (kidding)

5. Save a lot of money on your car insurance by switching to GEICO

Too easy…low-hanging fruit…I couldn’t help myself.

(But hey, it’s free advertising for them, eh?)

Y’all have a safe and happy new year!

Especially you folks in Utah. Make sure you don’t drink and drive!

Or use mouthwash and drive.

Or use mouthwash, drive and get pulled over 😒

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