I began 2019 by going to Mass (it’s the Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God, a holy day).
But as I sat in the pew this morning, all I could think about was getting some chicken nuggets from Burger King (I still had a few bucks on the BK gift card that my in-laws got me for Christmas).
Maybe Boo-Thang was onto something when she told me I might have ADHD.
But I mean come on, right now you can get 10 nuggets for a dollar (you’re welcome for the free advertising, BK), and that’s an awesome deal!
So after struggling to pay attention to the Priest’s homily, I went and bought 30 nuggets, because, uh, HAPPY NEW YEAR!
They were SO FLIPPING GOOD!
Besides, chicken nuggets are the only chicken item on BK’s menu that doesn’t end up getting burned to shit.
I think if Jesus had multiplied some BK nuggets instead of some dumbass loaves of bread and a couple of fish, then there would have been a lot more people turning out to hear Him speak (more than 5,000 for sure).
What if Jesus had passed around a big old nugget at the Last Supper, instead of boring old bread?
I’ll bet a lot more people would go to Mass now if they knew they were going to be distributing nuggets AND wine.
Imagine the mood at the Last Supper:
Jesus: “Take this all of you, and eat it. This is my body, which will be given up for you.”
Peter: “Nice, and it’s from Burger King!”
Bartholomew: “Wait, you’re a chicken?”
Judas: “Jesus, you could’ve brought some ketchup. Who eats this stuff plain?”
Then what if that was the final straw for Judas, and he turned Jesus over to the authorities in exchange for 30 nuggets and a bottle of Heinz (after all, as Beau Bennett once said, “Hunt’s is shit”)?
Because why settle for a piece of one big nugget split amongst 13 other dudes when you can have 30 all for yourself?
I mean, if I was Judas then THAT would be tempting.
I’m not going to Hell for saying all that, am I?
Anyway, Happy New Year to y’all! Be sure to get you some delectable BK nuggets!
Oh, and don’t forget to go to Mass today, all you Catholics.
Or you WILL go to Hell 😉.