The Scariest Movies

Ever since I was a youngin’, I’ve enjoyed scary stories (those of you who follow my blog know about my fascination with Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark).

Speaking of which, is anyone else excited for the upcoming Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark film?

I know I am, but I’ve seen a lot of movies that were supposed to be “scary” that were really just, well, not. So I tread lightly.

When it comes to scary movies what I find scary isn’t always what someone else finds scary.

For example, Frankenstein’s monster, Dracula, and zombies? That stuff doesn’t really scare me.

Satanic cults, ghosts, witches, psychopaths, murderers, and spirits?

Now THAT shit scares me!

A lot of what scares people (I think) boils down who/what they believe in.

For example, Boo-Thang (my wife) is an Atheist, so a movie like The Omen probably wouldn’t scare her (remember, Atheists don’t believe in Satan, either, despite some religious folks’ assumptions that Atheists worship devils and shit 😉).

I’m a Catholic, so did The Omen scare me?

You damn right it did, because I DO believe in Heaven/Hell, God/Satan, etc.

I’m not saying that you have to think The Omen is scary if you’re a Catholic, I just do.

Of course, a bad scary movie is still a bad movie, regardless of the subject matter.

I don’t think Alien is particularly scary, but there’s no rational way for me to argue that it’s a worse movie than, say, Exorcist II: The Heretic, just because I believe in exorcisms but not so sure about Xenomorphs.

After watching Hereditary (spooky as fuuuuuuck) last night, I thought I’d put together a list of the scariest movies I’ve ever seen, and see what y’all think.

Here goes (potential spoilers ahead):

10. The Brave Little Toaster

You may laugh, because what’s so scary in a movie about talking appliances?

Two words: THE CLOWN.

9. Little Nemo: Adventures In Slumberland

My parents made the mistake of taking me to see this movie when I was about four or five. Bad move.

A beautiful, inconsistent film that features some pretty chilling dream sequences (hence the title) that I’ll never forget.

8. Rosemary’s Baby

Mia Farrow giving birth to the Prince of Darkness? Yep, it’s as unsettling as it sounds. If old people don’t scare you after watching this, then you’re braver than I.

7. Angel Heart

Mickey Rourke plays a private detective hired by a dude named Louis Cyphre (creative, eh?) to track down Johnny Favorite, a crooner who owes his success to Cyphre.

Throw some voodoo, grisly murders and the Devil in the mix, and you’ve got one creepy detective flick to keep you up at night.

6. Candyman

Occasionally, if I’m drunk, I’ll go into the bathroom and say “Candyman” into the mirror five times and turn out the lights.

He never shows up, but that doesn’t stop me from scaring myself shitless when I do it.

Thanks to this movie about a tall, hook-handed, honey-smeared spirit who prowls about Cabrini Green.

5. The Omen (1976 version)

Another my-son-might-be-the-Devil movie, this one benefits from one creepy-looking kid and an amazing scene where David Warner’s character gets decapitated.

Plus, it’s pretty damn spooky.

4. The Strangers

Oh sure, there’s nothing scary about three masked psychopaths terrorizing you in your rented house. Nothing at all.

Except, well, EVERYTHING.

The scene where Liv Tyler opens the curtain, only to see one of the masked invaders staring back at her, is one of the all-time great BOO moments.

3. Don’t Breathe

Three small-time burglars break into a blind man’s house in the urban decay known as Detroit. Unbeknownst to them, the blind man has a young woman held captive in his basement who’s pregnant with his baby.

“There’s nothing a man can’t do when he accepts the fact that there’s no God,” is one quote that will be forever burned into my psyche.

2. The Exorcist

Aside from the green vomit scene (which was just gross), everything else about this movie makes my skin crawl, from the 360-degree head turn to the masturbation with a crucifix.

Nightmare fuel. And Max Von Sydow.

1. Prisoners

This movie is unsettling on two levels:

A. a couple declares a “war on God” and spends years kidnapping young children.

B. a father takes the law into his own hands by kidnapping and torturing a man who he is convinced is responsible for the kidnapping of his daughter.

There aren’t any ghosts, nor are there many (if any) BOO moments. But if this movie doesn’t make your skin crawl…then holy shit.

Because it scares the absolute dickens out of me.