The Jedi Pyramid Scheme

Lately I’ve been on a bit of a Star Wars kick.

Ever since “Santa” got me the original Star Wars Trilogy on VHS back in the 90’s (the ORIGINAL trilogy, not that CGI-riddled stuff), I’ve been a fan.

As Luke Skywalker once said, “I’ve learned so much since then.”

For example, I originally thought it was pronounced “Jed-eee”, rather than “Jed-eye”.

I also used to think when Darth Vader was breathing, he was actually saying “Waaaaaaaaalkeeeeeeeeer…”. So when he revealed himself to be Luke’s father in The Empire Strikes Back, I wasn’t surprised.

But the one thing I finally realized about Star Wars, is that the Jedi Order was basically the longest, most-successful pyramid scheme that ever existed in a galaxy far far away.

“Do you want to learn mind tricks? Do you want to be able to cut through walls with a lightsaber? Do you want to become closer to the Force? Don’t wait, join the Jedi Order now!”

Sure, it sounds enticing.

The Order itself relies on having more people/creatures than any other organization, and having its higher-ranking Jedi personally train younger Padawans.

Those Padawans, in turn, become Jedi themselves and take newer Padawans under their wing.

Count Dooku was Yoda’s Padawan, Qui-Gon Jinn was Dooku’s Padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi was Jinn’s Padawan, etc.

I don’t remember ever knowing if the Jedi ever got paid for their services, and (from what I remember), they have to build their OWN lightsabers.

What a bunch of skin-flints! Did you ever see how big the Jedi temple on Coruscant was? Where did the money come from to build THAT?

And you’re telling me the Order couldn’t cough up a few Republic credits to make a lightsaber factory?

And what about health insurance? Do the all-powerful Jedi provide it or do the Padawans have to go to healthcare.gov like all the other peasants?

Plus, a Jedi is forbidden from having, uh, romantic relationships. Where’s the fun in that? He/she is fully dedicated to the Order.

Shit, what if Obi-Wan Kenobi wanted to go dancing one evening and find a chick to go home with?

Tough shit, Obi-Wan, because you’re a Jedi, not Rod Stewart.

No money, no dating, no health insurance, AND you have to make your own lightsaber? Gee, I’ll bet you have to raise enough money to purchase your own ship, too, right?

Sure, the Order lasted over a thousand generations, but eventually it collapsed under its own weight.

Obviously it was a poorly-run pyramid scheme, because how else do you explain getting bamboozled by the Sith, a bustling organization of two people?

I don’t want to hear that “The Dark Side clouds everything” cockamamie, either.

Your boss was damn Yoda, so I don’t want to hear any excuses.

You’d think he would’ve developed some common sense in his 900 years 🤷‍♂️.

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