Cheaters: The Canine Files

One of my favorite things about being a pest control technician is meeting new customers.

Oh wow, did I just type “meeting new customers”?

I meant to type “meeting new customers’ dogs” 😉.

Because dogs are fun, sweet and ADOWABOWL!

People are not.

I don’t know if my dogs, Miles and Crackers, appreciate me meeting other dogs as much as I do.

Whenever I get home from work, they both come running, just to see if I’m covered in other dog aroma.

Hey, I can’t help it if other pooches like to come up to me and let me pet them.

It’s not like I cover myself in peanut butter to get their attention or anything obnoxious like that. I’m not from Florida 🤷‍♂️.

It makes me glad that dogs can’t talk, though, because I can only imagine what Miles and Crackers would say to me when I got home from work:

“What other bitches have you been petting?!”

“What’s that smell? Peanut butter? Okay, what’s her name?!”

“How long has this petting been going on?!”

Have you ever been accused of cheating by a girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse/significant other/side piece? It ain’t fun.

Especially if it’s NOT TRUE.

Besides, if dogs COULD talk, then…well, I guess that would make Cheaters a bit more interesting.

Remember that TV show? It would be like Cheaters: The Canine Files 🐶.

But only with Joey Greco, because that Clark James Gable’s face irritates the crap out of me.

Anyway, let’s set the scene: I’m at a house spraying for bugs, and the customer’s Chocolate Lab, Bob, ambles up and starts licking me.

“Awww you’re so ADOWABOWL!” I reply, scratching behind his ears.

Suddenly, a black SUV pulls into the driveway and who do you suppose it is?

Miles and Crackers…WITH JOEY GRECO!

“Hey there, Zach, I’m Joey Greco with ‘Cheaters’.”

But before I can say anything, Miles runs over to the Chocolate Lab.

“This is who you’ve been petting behind my *bleep* back? This THOT?!” Miles yelps.

Not one to be left out, Crackers chimes in with “Yeah, I KNEW I *bleep* smelled THOT-Dog on you the other day!”

Bob, despite usually being laid back and friendly, claps back at the two enraged pooches.

“Y’all *bleep* hate me cuz y’all ain’t me!”

Joey Greco glares at me as I try to separate Miles and Crackers from Bob.

“We’ve been following you for several weeks now…”

Ignoring Greco, I call out to my dogs:

“Miles, Crackers, it’s nothing personal! I’m just doing my job! Please don’t leave me!”

Greco butts in with, “You dogs really deserve better than this pest control philanderer.”

Aaaaaaaaaand cut to commercial break.

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