UNC Kicks Swimmer off School Team After Learning He Can’t Swim

An incoming freshman was kicked off of the University of North Carolina Swimming and Diving team Thursday after it was learned that he didn’t know how to swim.

Jody Kirk, 18, was spotted by UNC’s Head Swimming Coach Rich DeSelm at the Bowman Gray Memorial Pool wearing a life jacket Tuesday evening.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” DeSelm said. “He sure wasn’t wearing a life jacket in any of the recruitment videos he sent us.”

UNC Athletics Director Bubba Cunningham told reporters that the university was just the latest casualty of the college admissions bribery scandal.

“This was a pretty elaborate hoax,” Cunningham said. “Not only were the kid’s transcripts forged, but so were his swimming records. We’re looking into this to try and figure out how in the world it happened.”

Kirk, who graduates high school in May, says he apologized to DeSelm and Cunningham, but was quick to explain that it wasn’t entirely his fault.

“I wasn’t even really interested in going to college,” Kirk said, “but my parents were all rah-rah about it, so they made up this whole thing about me being a top-notch swimmer in order to improve my chances of getting accepted.”

Kirk’s parents could not be reached for comment. According to him, they are currently vacationing in their yacht off the coast of Florida.

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