In the wake of NC State’s defeat at the hands of Campbell University Saturday in the NCAA baseball tournament, scientists revealed the creation of a new pharmaceutical to help Wolfpack fans cope with defeat.
Dr. Forrest Wake, of Bayer AG, told reporters that ProPac, the new pharmaceutical in question, would help Wolfpack fans better deal with underachievement.
“They haven’t won an ACC title in football, basketball or baseball in 27 years,” Wake said. “So I thought it would be good to concoct a formula to help their fans deal with the constant futility.”
“In all the tests we’ve conducted with State fans, we’ve noticed a significant increase in fan optimism with a consistent dosage of the product.”
Scott Puig, a lifelong Wolfpack supporter, said that he noticed a change soon after his doctor prescribed him ProPac.
“I used to fall into a downward spiral every time the Wolfpack lost in any sport,” Puig explained. “Like, a fifth-of-Pepe-Lopez downward spiral. However, since I started taking ProPac, I find myself being totally content with however the Pack performs. Even if they lose.”
“Loss? What loss? Every defeat is a win in my book.”
Zachary Thomas, another Wolfpack fan, said he wished that Bayer had come out with ProPac when he was growing up in the 1990’s.
“I remember listening on the radio to the State-Carolina football game back in 1998,” Thomas explained. “I cried when the Heels won in overtime. If ProPac had existed back then, I wouldn’t have thought about flinging myself off the roof of my parents’ house.”