Artificial Turf Behind UNC Football Predictions, Scientist Claims

A local scientist claimed Friday that the newly-installed artificial turf at the University of North Carolina’s football stadium has been behind the unrealistic optimism of Tar Heel football fans.

Fred McEnroe, a self-described science enthusiast, told reporters that fans were smoking the new turf and, in turn, making overly optimistic predictions about the upcoming football season.

“If you look closely,” McEnroe explained, “you’ll see that there are small patches of the turf that are shorter than the rest.”

“I know, because I tried it. I experienced a wave of euphoria I had never felt before. Suddenly there I was talking about how Mack is back and how UNC football is a sleeping giant.”

UNC Athletic Director Bubba Cunningham, quickly denied the story.

“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard,” Cunningham said. “Why in the world would our fans smoke artificial turf when there’s plenty of real grass?”

“I’m an au naturale guy myself, but the turf does look good, doesn’t it? I’m looking forward to our sleeping giant finally waking up and becoming bowl eligible.”

McEnroe cited Cunningham’s denial as clear-cut evidence of the turf’s psychedelic capabilities.

“See? Poor Bubba must’ve gotten into it, too,” McEnroe explained. “The phrase ‘sleeping giant’ is a dead giveaway.”

When UNC Football Coach Mack Brown was asked about McEnroe’s claims, he laughed.

“That You-Cannot-Be-Serious fella said that?” Brown asked in response. “He needs to stick to tennis.”

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