McConnell Denies Being a Turtle, Refuses to Provide Documentation

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), denied rumors over the weekend that he was a turtle, but refused to provide the proper documentation to prove that he wasn’t.

McConnell said that he wasn’t sure how the rumor started, but was adamant in his denial.

“No, I’m not a turtle,” McConnell told reporters in front of the United States Capitol. “No, I do not have a shell, and no, I was not raised by a rat in the sewers.”

“I don’t know how this whole thing started, but I can assure you, I’m not a turtle.”

However, McConnell would not provide any documentation, such as a birth certificate, to refute the claim.

“The eye test should be enough to prove my point,” McConnell said. “Turtles can’t talk, for one thing.”

Not everyone was convinced, though.

Alex Jones, the founder of InfoWars who previously claimed the Sandy Hook massacre was staged, said he didn’t believe McConnell.

“Not for a second,” Jones explained. “The fact that he won’t even show us documentation just makes him look more suspicious.”

“I mean, look at the guy. He probably eats pizza and practices martial arts on the weekends. That’s why other Republicans are afraid to stand up to him.”

United States Senator and Presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren (D-MA), also voiced her suspicions about McConnell.

“I’m not saying I know for sure that he’s a turtle,” Warren explained. “And I never in my life thought I’d find myself on the same side of an issue as Alex Jones.”

“All I’m saying is that one time I threw a book at Mitch, and he ducked his head into his suit.”

2 thoughts on “McConnell Denies Being a Turtle, Refuses to Provide Documentation

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s