UNC Football Recruit Inspires Tissue Shortage in Chapel Hill

Heralded 5-star football recruit Desmond Evans committed to the University of North Carolina on Friday, leading to an almost immediate shortage of tissues in Chapel Hill.

Sarah Wong, a Walgreens employee, told reporters that her store ran out of tissues at 4:00 p.m., two hours after Evans’s announcement.

“We hadn’t sold a single box of tissues all day,” Wong explained, “but then suddenly people were coming in and buying two, three boxes at a time.”

“The strange thing was that all the customers buying them were men. Maybe guys they’re finally realizing that it’s okay to cry.”

George M. Bates, Manager at the Food Lion on Fordham Boulevard in Chapel Hill, said the store ran out of tissues around the same time.

“This one fella must’ve had six boxes of Puffs in his cart,” Bates said. “He went up to the register with the biggest smile on his face, going on and on about how UNC landed a big-time recruit.”

“Now we don’t have any Puffs until the next truck comes in.”

Marjorie Denny, a Food Lion cashier, said she couldn’t understand why so many men were buying so many tissues.

“I asked one gentlemen as he came through my line why he wanted so many tissues,” Denny said. “He started blushing and wouldn’t make eye contact with me, but he kept saying ‘Mack is back’.”

Evans, a Defensive End out of Lee County High School, is currently the 2nd-ranked football prospect in the nation and the top-ranked prospect out of North Carolina.

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