ESPN Official Calls For Day of Mourning After #1 Duke Upset by Stephen F. Austin

In response Stephen F. Austin State University’s 85-83 upset over top-ranked Duke in overtime Tuesday, one official at ESPN called for a national “day of mourning” out of respect for the defeated Blue Devils.

ESPN Chairman James Pitaro told reporters that it was only fair to Duke Head Coach Mike Krzyzewski and the team’s fans.

“We all know the Lumberjacks have made it into the NCAA Tournament recently,” Pitaro said. “However, no one expected them to have a prayer against Duke.”

“The number one team in the country, at home, in Cameron Indoor Stadium. That’s a Yao-Ming-tall order.”

ESPN commentator and former Head Coach at Virginia Tech Seth Greenberg said he asked the police to perform a welfare check on Dick Vitale.

“There’s no bigger cheerleader for Duke than Dickie,” Greenberg said. “So I just wanted someone to go by his place to make sure he hadn’t gone all Scanners on us.”

Pitaro said that they would be flying all flags half-staff at ESPN’s headquarters in Bristol, Connecticut until Duke wins another game.

“They’ve got Winthrop next,” Pitaro explained, “and those flags ain’t coming back up until we see another ‘w’ recorded.”

Former Duke star and current member of the Memphis Grizzlies Grayson Allen said Duke would have won had he been in the game.

“I’m not even convinced it would have taken overtime,” Allen said. “These shins of mine have weathered many a collision.”

“It would’ve been Grayson’s shins one, Stephen F. Austin zero, brosephus.”

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