Walmart Enacts Mask Policy to Protect Identities of UNC Bandwagon Fans

When Walmart announced it would be requiring shoppers to wear masks starting on July 20, most people assumed it was to combat the spread of COVID-19.

It turns out the real reason was to protect the identities of UNC Bandwagon fans.

Walmart U.S. Chief Operating Officer Dacona Smith explained Wednesday that protecting shoppers from COVID-19 was important, but not as important as protecting UNC bandwagon fans from identification.

“Obviously we want to protect our patrons from Coronavirus,” Smith said. “However, business intel has shown us that UNC bandwagon fans make up a significant portion of our business, and we don’t want them to face harassment from the rest of the public.”

Tar Heel fans had mixed reactions about it.

A man, who gave the pseudonym Sandy Dillard, admitted he became a UNC fan in 2019. He told reporters that his medical condition won’t allow him to wear a mask.

“What am I supposed to do?” Dillard asked. “If I go into Walmart without a mask and everyone sees me while I’m buying the latest Tar Heel swag, then they’ll know who I am and give me a hard time for jumping on the bandwagon.”

“It’s not my fault the football team is good now. Mack is back, baby.”

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