Local Cannibal Refuses to Eat Vegans

Some people are just picky eaters, right?

A local cannibal admitted to reporters Saturday that he refused to eat vegans, claiming that they don’t taste like normal people.

Craig Rawls, a lifelong Angier resident, explained that eating vegans was about the same as eating tofu or a plant-based burger.

“I’ve always been a bit carnivorous,” Rawls said. “I tried to fry up a vegan recently and I swear he tasted like one of those damn Impossible Whoppers from Burger King.”

“It’s like finding out your cookie has raisins in it instead of chocolate chips. No thank you.”

Rawls clarified that he doesn’t kill people and then eat them, however.

“I don’t kill people, I’m not an animal,” Rawls said. “I just eat them, simple as that.”

Rawls also said he hopes that his opinion doesn’t get interpreted as a call to eat vegans.

“I have absolutely nothing against vegans,” Rawls said. “I don’t want anyone to think that I’m calling on other cannibals to kill vegans just to see if they agree with my culinary preferences.”

“It’s nothing personal, I just prefer meat loaf over beet loaf.”

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