House of 1,000,000 Roaches

As a pest control technician, I often have customers ask me about my experiences in the field.

“What’s the worst infestation you’ve ever seen?” is the most common question I get, especially with new customers.

I always respond with, “Are you sure you want to know?”

The answer is always “yes!”

I’ve been fighting pests for almost three years, and I’ve found myself in some rowdy situations from time to time.

But the worst, absolute WORST infestation I’ve ever seen? Let me tell you:

It was a dark and stormy night (nah, it wasn’t), and I had a new service, or a “start” as we commonly refer to them in the business, in a town called Henderson.

The service was for German roaches, which differentiate themselves from other cockroaches by going out of their way to remind people that they are not, in fact, Nazis (they’re not really German, either).

I pulled up to this old, rickety, probably-against-fire-code trailer, got out and knocked on what appeared to be a door.

I stood there for a minute, listening to a chorus of barks coming from inside. The supposed door creaked open and a young woman appeared, with three dogs crowded around her.

She told me two of the dogs were parents to the third one, but the dad was about a third of the size of the mom.

I made the mistake of asking how that worked out. Too. Much. Information.

ANYWAY, I asked the woman how long she had been dealing with roaches, and she said about a year (if someone has had German roaches for a damn year, then you’ve probably got a nasty infestation on your hands).

“Where do you see them mostly?” I asked.

“In the kitchen,” she replied.

I put on my latex gloves and strode into the kitchen.

I looked around for a moment, then opened one of the cabinets.

Boom, infestation found.

The roaches didn’t crawl out of the cabinet, they FELL out of the cabinet.

Literally, FELL. That’s how many roaches there were, and that was just in the kitchen.

As I continued my inspection, I realized that the roaches were concentrated in the kitchen, but they had spread throughout the house.

They were in the TV. They were in the PS4. They were behind the outlet covers. Any crack they could squeeze into, they squeezed into.

“So, do you think we can get rid of these things?” the customer asked me.

I thought to myself, “Well, do you have a gallon of gasoline and a match?”

“Oh yes, I think we can,” I actually said, “but I’m not gonna lie. It’s gonna take some time.”

And it would have taken me some time (read: a year) before I’d be able to get the infestation under control.

There were dirty dishes all over the place, so that didn’t help.

What’s worse is that the woman and her boyfriend were letting their three dogs go to the bathroom INSIDE THE HOUSE.

Does your dog poop inside? No problem, just put some training pads down!


Soooooooo, that was the worst infestation I’ve ever seen. I hope you weren’t eating while you read this.

Happy Monday, y’all!

Fido: The Dog Avenger

Has anyone ever created a superhero for dogs?

No no no, not a dog superhero. Rather, a superhero who specializes in protecting and rescuing man’s best friend.

Personally, I think that would be pretty badass.

I know years ago they had that McGruff “Take a bite out of crime” character, but I’m pretty sure he wasn’t a superhero.

Someone should come up with something like…Fido: the Dog Avenger, maybe.

A dog lover by day, dog protector by night!

I would say a veterinarian by day, but Fido wouldn’t care about cats, iguanas or ferrets.

Fido would prowl the city streets at night, looking to bust dog-fighting rings and/or rescue stray dogs.

Weapons/gadgets/superpowers Fido would have might include:

1. Frisbees that could be thrown like Batarangs (I don’t care if the shape of a frisbee doesn’t lend itself to such a movement. Fido could find a way).

2. Superhuman sense of smell (the ability to detect the scent of someone’s BS).

3. A steel tail that could be used as a defense mechanism.

4. Nunchucks made out of the same rope used for chew toys.

5. Electric dog collars that could be used as tracking devices.

6. Super sense of hearing (pretty self-explanatory).

Seriously, do you think Michael Vick would have participated in all those dog fights if he knew he’d have to deal with Fido: the Dog Avenger?

I don’t.

When Fido catches some asshole tying a dog to a tree, he/she would tie said asshole to the same tree. Overnight. Naked.

Hey, that asshole was probably going to leave the poor dog tied up to that tree overnight, anyway.

Or after he/she beats up criminals, Fido would leave them in small, metal crates while waiting for the police to arrive.

Be sure to pick up your dog’s poop off the sidewalk, too, or Fido might show up and stuff you in one of those poop stations.

Heaven help anyone who leaves his or her dog in a hot car. Fido would break a window, get the dog out, and then hunt down the owner and lock them in the same car.

Fido wouldn’t try to protect humans, though, because there are plenty of other superheroes who can do that. Plus, humans have a tendency to be kinda douchey, and humans aren’t dogs.

Fido would have no time for homo sapien problems.

“Oh Fido, help me! I’m being mugged!”

“Not my problem, lady. I got other bitches to save.”


“Fido, my daughter is being attacked by a Pit Bull!”

“Well, she probably deserved it.”

However, if there was a crime against a dog? Different story.

“Fido, that guy stole my dog’s chew toy!”

“I’M ON IT!”

I’m going to be super bummed if someone has already thought of this 😔🐶

Aquarium Reform Now!

Anyone else hear about Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s aquarium excursion this weekend?

Apparently Mr. Johnson pissed off a bunch of animal rights activists after going to the Georgia Aquarium with his family on Sunday.

Something about how going to an aquarium is an endorsement of animal captivity blah blah blah, I’m pretty sure it was something like that, but I’ll put the link to the Fox News story at the bottom of my post.

I’m actually glad this happened, because for years I’ve wondered about how we can examine ocean creatures in their natural habitat without having to catch them and put them in just a plain old aquarium.

We need a solution to our aquagmire, and I think I’ve got it.

Ladies and gentlemen:


Think about it. We construct gigantic floating museums and cast them out to sea. No more having to capture fish, dolphins or sharks and keep them in a tank; the aquarium IS the tank.

They can construct see-through compartments for tourists to go down below the surface and see the ocean life in its natural state. Or they could board one the submarines that dock at the aquarium and go on different excursions in search of different sites and creatures.

We could eliminate the capture-animals-and-sell-them-to-aquariums market!

It would be like a cruise ship…as an aquarium!

It would be also be expensive as hell, so I propose getting Apple involved. They’re a trillion-dollar company now, right? And they care about animals, right? Presto!

After they pony up the money to get these floating aquariums built, then they can rebrand them as (drumroll please) Applequariums!

Unfortunately then Samsung would probably try to compete by building their own floating aquariums, which would then spontaneously catch on fire 🔥