Flat Tire

(No, this is not my car)

It was bad enough that it was Monday.

It was bad enough that it was supposed to rain.

It was bad enough that it was cold.

It was even bad enough that I had an appointment with the Dermatologist scheduled for 9 a.m.

But that amount of bad just wasn’t bad enough, I guess.

I had just driven out of the apartment complex yesterday when I heard a distinct thumpthumpthumpthumpthump coming from the right side of my car…where my rear tire sits.

Sure enough, the tire was flat.

There was a pin-sized hole in the sidewall, so I wouldn’t be able to patch it, either.

Apparently duct tape won’t do the trick. I already thought about that 😒

That still doesn’t make sense to me. Those of you who are car-savvy (which doesn’t take much compared to my vast lack of automobile know how) are probably thinking, “Well, Zach, the sidewall of a tire is much thinner than the treads, so of course you can’t patch a hole there because it will never hold.”

You mean to tell me there’s no combination of duct tape, Flex Seal, Fiber Fix, Super glue, and liquid nails that won’t do the trick?

Screw science.

Side note: is there anything flat in life that’s actually good?

Flat soda, flat tires, jokes that fall flat, flat balloons, flat burgers, I mean all that stuff blows, right?

So hooray for flat tires on cold, rainy Monday mornings!

Yet, life is still good 😊

Waffle House Hashbrowns

You know what’s better than Nancy Pelosi as Speaker of the House?

Waffle House hashbrowns.

To be perfectly fair, outgoing Speaker Paul Ryan can’t hold a candle to those shredded spuds of glory, either.

I heard KC O’Dea talking about them on the radio yesterday, and now all I can think about is going to Waffle House and ordering a heaping plate of damn hashbrowns.

Unfortunately, I don’t get paid until Friday.

As Darth Vader once said, “Nooooooooooooooooo!”

The fact that I still eat at Waffle House once in a while (despite the fact that I spent over three years working there) speaks volumes about the food.

It doesn’t hurt that it’s open 24/7, though.

Waffle House hashbrowns can be served with a variety of toppings. They are as follows:

Smothered: onions (🤮)

Covered: cheese

Peppered: jalapeños

Chunked: ham

Capped: mushrooms

Diced: tomatoes

Topped: chili

Country: sausage gravy

My go-to order is a Double (because why settle for one?) hashbrown covered, chunked, peppered, capped and country. A nice helping of Tabasco tops it off.

Bring on the Tums and marathon bathroom breaks!

Going forward, before I vote for any politician, I want to see how he or she orders hashbrowns at Waffle House.

If a politician is even willing to eat at Waffle House, then that’s a plus, no matter what party he or she is affiliated with.

Can you imagine Nancy Pelosi or Paul Ryan showing up at any Waffle House at 3 a.m. during the bar rush? 😂

I certainly can’t, and that’s just plain sad.

House of 1,000,000 Roaches

As a pest control technician, I often have customers ask me about my experiences in the field.

“What’s the worst infestation you’ve ever seen?” is the most common question I get, especially with new customers.

I always respond with, “Are you sure you want to know?”

The answer is always “yes!”

I’ve been fighting pests for almost three years, and I’ve found myself in some rowdy situations from time to time.

But the worst, absolute WORST infestation I’ve ever seen? Let me tell you:

It was a dark and stormy night (nah, it wasn’t), and I had a new service, or a “start” as we commonly refer to them in the business, in a town called Henderson.

The service was for German roaches, which differentiate themselves from other cockroaches by going out of their way to remind people that they are not, in fact, Nazis (they’re not really German, either).

I pulled up to this old, rickety, probably-against-fire-code trailer, got out and knocked on what appeared to be a door.

I stood there for a minute, listening to a chorus of barks coming from inside. The supposed door creaked open and a young woman appeared, with three dogs crowded around her.

She told me two of the dogs were parents to the third one, but the dad was about a third of the size of the mom.

I made the mistake of asking how that worked out. Too. Much. Information.

ANYWAY, I asked the woman how long she had been dealing with roaches, and she said about a year (if someone has had German roaches for a damn year, then you’ve probably got a nasty infestation on your hands).

“Where do you see them mostly?” I asked.

“In the kitchen,” she replied.

I put on my latex gloves and strode into the kitchen.

I looked around for a moment, then opened one of the cabinets.

Boom, infestation found.

The roaches didn’t crawl out of the cabinet, they FELL out of the cabinet.

Literally, FELL. That’s how many roaches there were, and that was just in the kitchen.

As I continued my inspection, I realized that the roaches were concentrated in the kitchen, but they had spread throughout the house.

They were in the TV. They were in the PS4. They were behind the outlet covers. Any crack they could squeeze into, they squeezed into.

“So, do you think we can get rid of these things?” the customer asked me.

I thought to myself, “Well, do you have a gallon of gasoline and a match?”

“Oh yes, I think we can,” I actually said, “but I’m not gonna lie. It’s gonna take some time.”

And it would have taken me some time (read: a year) before I’d be able to get the infestation under control.

There were dirty dishes all over the place, so that didn’t help.

What’s worse is that the woman and her boyfriend were letting their three dogs go to the bathroom INSIDE THE HOUSE.

Does your dog poop inside? No problem, just put some training pads down!

🤮

Soooooooo, that was the worst infestation I’ve ever seen. I hope you weren’t eating while you read this.

Happy Monday, y’all!