House of 1,000,000 Roaches

As a pest control technician, I often have customers ask me about my experiences in the field.

“What’s the worst infestation you’ve ever seen?” is the most common question I get, especially with new customers.

I always respond with, “Are you sure you want to know?”

The answer is always “yes!”

I’ve been fighting pests for almost three years, and I’ve found myself in some rowdy situations from time to time.

But the worst, absolute WORST infestation I’ve ever seen? Let me tell you:

It was a dark and stormy night (nah, it wasn’t), and I had a new service, or a “start” as we commonly refer to them in the business, in a town called Henderson.

The service was for German roaches, which differentiate themselves from other cockroaches by going out of their way to remind people that they are not, in fact, Nazis (they’re not really German, either).

I pulled up to this old, rickety, probably-against-fire-code trailer, got out and knocked on what appeared to be a door.

I stood there for a minute, listening to a chorus of barks coming from inside. The supposed door creaked open and a young woman appeared, with three dogs crowded around her.

She told me two of the dogs were parents to the third one, but the dad was about a third of the size of the mom.

I made the mistake of asking how that worked out. Too. Much. Information.

ANYWAY, I asked the woman how long she had been dealing with roaches, and she said about a year (if someone has had German roaches for a damn year, then you’ve probably got a nasty infestation on your hands).

“Where do you see them mostly?” I asked.

“In the kitchen,” she replied.

I put on my latex gloves and strode into the kitchen.

I looked around for a moment, then opened one of the cabinets.

Boom, infestation found.

The roaches didn’t crawl out of the cabinet, they FELL out of the cabinet.

Literally, FELL. That’s how many roaches there were, and that was just in the kitchen.

As I continued my inspection, I realized that the roaches were concentrated in the kitchen, but they had spread throughout the house.

They were in the TV. They were in the PS4. They were behind the outlet covers. Any crack they could squeeze into, they squeezed into.

“So, do you think we can get rid of these things?” the customer asked me.

I thought to myself, “Well, do you have a gallon of gasoline and a match?”

“Oh yes, I think we can,” I actually said, “but I’m not gonna lie. It’s gonna take some time.”

And it would have taken me some time (read: a year) before I’d be able to get the infestation under control.

There were dirty dishes all over the place, so that didn’t help.

What’s worse is that the woman and her boyfriend were letting their three dogs go to the bathroom INSIDE THE HOUSE.

Does your dog poop inside? No problem, just put some training pads down!

🤮

Soooooooo, that was the worst infestation I’ve ever seen. I hope you weren’t eating while you read this.

Happy Monday, y’all!

Back From the Wilderness

Well, it wasn’t easy, but Wifey, Miles the Jacked Russell and I made it back from the wilderness in one piece.

And we didn’t even have to succumb to cannibalism to do so!

Wifey and I spent most of our time bundled up in the little (and I mean LITTLE) A-Frame cabin eating Cheez-its and reading Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark.

Okay, so I read Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark to my wife, while she rolled her eyes and laughed. I did learn that it’s more fun to read the spooky tales in a Jonathan Frakes voice (think Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction).

There were seven other dogs for Miles to play with, so he had the time of his life.

It was tough letting him off the leash at first. We felt like a couple of helicopter parents who would freak out any time our child left our sight, but for the most part he didn’t stray far.

Which is good, because it’s awfully difficult to run in flip-flops in the mud. It rained for the majority of the trip (it turned to sleet early Sunday, too. It was c-h-i-l-l-y).

All in all, despite the fact that NC State lost (there was just enough WiFi for me to keep track), and that I almost burned my face off over a charcoal grill trying to cook hot dogs (not real dogs, because we’re not psychopaths), it was a great little weekend getaway that was sorely needed.

Because even if it’s cold, rainy, and muddy, huddling up in a cabin in the mountains will always be better than dragging around in Cary, NC in any weather.

“The Mountains are Calling Me, and I Must GTFO”

If John Muir was alive today, and living in Cary, NC, that’s probably what he would have said.

This weekend, the Wifey, Miles the Jacked Russell, and I are headed to the mountains to relax in a cabin we found through Air BnB.

Because we absolutely, seriously, without a doubt, must GTFO of Cary!

We haven’t taken any trips since July, and originally we weren’t planning on taking any more until Christmas. But that stretch between the beginning of July and the end of December is unforgiving (especially during an election year!) so we had to throw a three-day weekend in there somewhere.

Anywhere.

So here’s to a weekend of s’mores, Monopoly (with my wife getting a stranglehold on those blasted orange properties, no doubt 😒), alcohol, Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, beautiful scenery, and hopefully, by Sunday, one worn out Jacked Russell.

Here’s to a weekend WITHOUT:

1. Politics

2. Depressing Cleveland Cavaliers news

3. Traffic

4. Football (with the exception of a brief excursion back to civilization so I can check in on the NC State-Syracuse game)

5. Cary

6. My work phone (sorry customers, y’all are gonna have to call the office)

As Jude Law said in Road to Perdition:

“Byeeeee.”

Have a good weekend, y’all!