House of 1,000,000 Roaches

As a pest control technician, I often have customers ask me about my experiences in the field.

“What’s the worst infestation you’ve ever seen?” is the most common question I get, especially with new customers.

I always respond with, “Are you sure you want to know?”

The answer is always “yes!”

I’ve been fighting pests for almost three years, and I’ve found myself in some rowdy situations from time to time.

But the worst, absolute WORST infestation I’ve ever seen? Let me tell you:

It was a dark and stormy night (nah, it wasn’t), and I had a new service, or a “start” as we commonly refer to them in the business, in a town called Henderson.

The service was for German roaches, which differentiate themselves from other cockroaches by going out of their way to remind people that they are not, in fact, Nazis (they’re not really German, either).

I pulled up to this old, rickety, probably-against-fire-code trailer, got out and knocked on what appeared to be a door.

I stood there for a minute, listening to a chorus of barks coming from inside. The supposed door creaked open and a young woman appeared, with three dogs crowded around her.

She told me two of the dogs were parents to the third one, but the dad was about a third of the size of the mom.

I made the mistake of asking how that worked out. Too. Much. Information.

ANYWAY, I asked the woman how long she had been dealing with roaches, and she said about a year (if someone has had German roaches for a damn year, then you’ve probably got a nasty infestation on your hands).

“Where do you see them mostly?” I asked.

“In the kitchen,” she replied.

I put on my latex gloves and strode into the kitchen.

I looked around for a moment, then opened one of the cabinets.

Boom, infestation found.

The roaches didn’t crawl out of the cabinet, they FELL out of the cabinet.

Literally, FELL. That’s how many roaches there were, and that was just in the kitchen.

As I continued my inspection, I realized that the roaches were concentrated in the kitchen, but they had spread throughout the house.

They were in the TV. They were in the PS4. They were behind the outlet covers. Any crack they could squeeze into, they squeezed into.

“So, do you think we can get rid of these things?” the customer asked me.

I thought to myself, “Well, do you have a gallon of gasoline and a match?”

“Oh yes, I think we can,” I actually said, “but I’m not gonna lie. It’s gonna take some time.”

And it would have taken me some time (read: a year) before I’d be able to get the infestation under control.

There were dirty dishes all over the place, so that didn’t help.

What’s worse is that the woman and her boyfriend were letting their three dogs go to the bathroom INSIDE THE HOUSE.

Does your dog poop inside? No problem, just put some training pads down!


Soooooooo, that was the worst infestation I’ve ever seen. I hope you weren’t eating while you read this.

Happy Monday, y’all!

Cockroach Stereotypes

When I first started working in pest control, I was at a new customer’s house one afternoon going over her pest control paperwork with her. She was an older white lady and I’m not sure she was, shall we say, all there.

She starting reading off the names of pests that were covered under her extermination plan.

“‘Merican roaches, German roaches…” she sounded out each and every syllable.

“Oriental roaches? What are those?” She looked up at me with a puzzled expression on her face.

Before I could respond, she answered her question with another question:

“It is cuz they have them slant-eyes?”

I’m wasn’t sure what was more off-putting; her second question or the cackle that followed it.

I almost told her it was because they’re not very good drivers. ๐Ÿ˜’

I mean come on, what century are we in? This is absurd.

Just to clarify:

1. Oriental roaches do not have “slant-eyes.”

2. German roaches do not infest Jewish households more frequently than non-Jewish ones.

3. American roaches do not carry guns or drive trucks that have “Don’t Tread on Me” bumper stickers.

We have enough problems in the world today without attaching racial stereotypes to insects.

I don’t care if a cockroach is white, African, Asian, Hispanic, or even a Pacific Islander.

I’m an equal-opportunity exterminator.

Fucking white people ๐Ÿ˜’