Flat Tire

(No, this is not my car)

It was bad enough that it was Monday.

It was bad enough that it was supposed to rain.

It was bad enough that it was cold.

It was even bad enough that I had an appointment with the Dermatologist scheduled for 9 a.m.

But that amount of bad just wasn’t bad enough, I guess.

I had just driven out of the apartment complex yesterday when I heard a distinct thumpthumpthumpthumpthump coming from the right side of my car…where my rear tire sits.

Sure enough, the tire was flat.

There was a pin-sized hole in the sidewall, so I wouldn’t be able to patch it, either.

Apparently duct tape won’t do the trick. I already thought about that 😒

That still doesn’t make sense to me. Those of you who are car-savvy (which doesn’t take much compared to my vast lack of automobile know how) are probably thinking, “Well, Zach, the sidewall of a tire is much thinner than the treads, so of course you can’t patch a hole there because it will never hold.”

You mean to tell me there’s no combination of duct tape, Flex Seal, Fiber Fix, Super glue, and liquid nails that won’t do the trick?

Screw science.

Side note: is there anything flat in life that’s actually good?

Flat soda, flat tires, jokes that fall flat, flat balloons, flat burgers, I mean all that stuff blows, right?

So hooray for flat tires on cold, rainy Monday mornings!

Yet, life is still good 😊

Waffle House Hashbrowns

You know what’s better than Nancy Pelosi as Speaker of the House?

Waffle House hashbrowns.

To be perfectly fair, outgoing Speaker Paul Ryan can’t hold a candle to those shredded spuds of glory, either.

I heard KC O’Dea talking about them on the radio yesterday, and now all I can think about is going to Waffle House and ordering a heaping plate of damn hashbrowns.

Unfortunately, I don’t get paid until Friday.

As Darth Vader once said, “Nooooooooooooooooo!”

The fact that I still eat at Waffle House once in a while (despite the fact that I spent over three years working there) speaks volumes about the food.

It doesn’t hurt that it’s open 24/7, though.

Waffle House hashbrowns can be served with a variety of toppings. They are as follows:

Smothered: onions (🤮)

Covered: cheese

Peppered: jalapeños

Chunked: ham

Capped: mushrooms

Diced: tomatoes

Topped: chili

Country: sausage gravy

My go-to order is a Double (because why settle for one?) hashbrown covered, chunked, peppered, capped and country. A nice helping of Tabasco tops it off.

Bring on the Tums and marathon bathroom breaks!

Going forward, before I vote for any politician, I want to see how he or she orders hashbrowns at Waffle House.

If a politician is even willing to eat at Waffle House, then that’s a plus, no matter what party he or she is affiliated with.

Can you imagine Nancy Pelosi or Paul Ryan showing up at any Waffle House at 3 a.m. during the bar rush? 😂

I certainly can’t, and that’s just plain sad.

Throwing in the Towel

Now in the NFL, there is “bad,” and then there is “walk out on your team at halftime bad.”

Unfortunately for the Buffalo Bills, they’re in the latter category.

There’s been a lot of fuss after Bills Cornerback Vontae Davis left after the first half of his team’s 31-20 defeat at the hands of the San Diego (whoops, I meant Los Angeles) Chargers.

I myself was tempted to jump on the Davis-quit-on-the-Bills-so-he’s-a-bum bandwagon, but I thought better of it.

For one thing, I’ve never played in the NFL (I did, however, rush for three TDs in Madden one time), so I can only imagine how grueling that can be.

Also…he was playing for the Bills, so I can understand the temptation to just say “Bye, Felicia.”

Sometimes if a situation is bad enough, you just have to skedaddle.

Like when you have a boss who tells you he “wouldn’t hire you to shovel shit, and that’s a pretty easy job to do.” Despite the fact that you busted your tush for three years (at one point even going without your anxiety meds for two straight weeks because you didn’t have time to go to the doctor to get your prescription refilled) for that Douche Bigalow.

Not that I know anything about that.

Or when you work at a “multi-level marketing” firm, with no benefits or base salary, which turns out to be a pyramid scheme involving you being a door-to-door salesman (or woman!).

Or when there’s a hurricane headed your way, ready to drop two feet of rain and blow over a butt-load of power lines, and you live in a single-wide trailer (sorry, I meant mobile home, and nothing against single-wides, but we’re talking about a hurricane here).

Or when your friend is beating you in Madden by 30 points with 1:30 to go in the 4th quarter (especially if he’s paying attention so you can’t just disconnect his controller).

Or when the best player on your dodgeball team thinks he’s a pirate (even if he is more of a pirate than you’ll ever be).

Okay, that’s not the best example.

I’m just saying sometimes you just have to turn the Xbox off and get out of Dodge.