Aquarium Reform Now!

Anyone else hear about Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s aquarium excursion this weekend?

Apparently Mr. Johnson pissed off a bunch of animal rights activists after going to the Georgia Aquarium with his family on Sunday.

Something about how going to an aquarium is an endorsement of animal captivity blah blah blah, I’m pretty sure it was something like that, but I’ll put the link to the Fox News story at the bottom of my post.

I’m actually glad this happened, because for years I’ve wondered about how we can examine ocean creatures in their natural habitat without having to catch them and put them in just a plain old aquarium.

We need a solution to our aquagmire, and I think I’ve got it.

Ladies and gentlemen:


Think about it. We construct gigantic floating museums and cast them out to sea. No more having to capture fish, dolphins or sharks and keep them in a tank; the aquarium IS the tank.

They can construct see-through compartments for tourists to go down below the surface and see the ocean life in its natural state. Or they could board one the submarines that dock at the aquarium and go on different excursions in search of different sites and creatures.

We could eliminate the capture-animals-and-sell-them-to-aquariums market!

It would be like a cruise ship…as an aquarium!

It would be also be expensive as hell, so I propose getting Apple involved. They’re a trillion-dollar company now, right? And they care about animals, right? Presto!

After they pony up the money to get these floating aquariums built, then they can rebrand them as (drumroll please) Applequariums!

Unfortunately then Samsung would probably try to compete by building their own floating aquariums, which would then spontaneously catch on fire 🔥

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