Douchiest Guy Names Evaaaaar!

This is NOT ME.

I’m in a strange limbo between writer’s block and not wanting to talk about the whole vote recount situation in Florida.

So the most logical subject to blog about next, obviously, is the douchiest guy names ever.

Don’t worry, folks, because I put a lot of scientific research into this, based on two questions:

1. What were the names of the biggest douchebags I’ve ever met in my life?

2. What were the names of the biggest douchebags my wife has ever met?

Of course, having a douchey name does not immediately make one a douche. There are exceptions to every rule (in many cases, there are MANY exceptions).

So, if you read this and start hyperventilating because you see your name listed, just tell yourself that YOU are the exception.

With that in mind, here is a list of the douchiest guy names ever, in no particular order:

1. Lance

95.776% of scientists agree that at some point, they knew a giant douche named Lance. With apologies to Lance Bass (NSYNC* y’all!), the first things that come to mind when I think of this name are anal beer bong shots and wearing aviator sunglasses at 3 a.m.

I’ve personally never met a guy named Lance, but guys named Lance are like the Loch Ness Monster. You just know they’re out there.

2. Chad

This name is one backwards upside-down visor away from sleeping with your ex the week after she dumps you. Chad’s the kind of guy who brags about picking up eighteen-year-old chicks at a Florida-Georgia Line concert then taking them home in his mom’s 2014 Ford Explorer.

No offense to anyone who lives in the country Chad πŸ‡ΉπŸ‡©.

3. Tim

If you think about it, “Tim” isn’t too far off from “Templeton”, the name of the rat from Charlotte’s Web. Makes sense to me, because most (not all, so cool your jets) of the Tims I’ve met in my life…are kinda ratty. Tim is like if Flava Flav was white, only worse. Tim wants to be liked so badly, but he isn’t…because he’s a douche. You can just smell the aroma of Bud Light emanating from Tim’s pores.

No offense to anyone who lives in Timbuktu (is that still a real place?).

4. Tyler

Just wear a wrinkled polo shirt and plaid shorts and you can reach the heights of douchedom that many (again, NOT ALL) a Tyler has achieved. Bonus points for cheating on your girlfriend, pouring urine under your neighbor’s door, or cheating at Poker. Tyler’s favorite band is probably Crazy Town.

No offense to anyone who lives in Tyler, Texas.

5. Harold

If your name is Harold, and you are not a knight or a viking, then chances are…you’re a douche. No ransacking of longboats or quests for religious relics, sadly enough (it’s 2018). Just a boatload of side chicks and a checking account full of hush money instead. If you look up the word “condescending” in the dictionary, you’ll find the name Harold.

No offense to anyone who lives in…a place called Harold?

6. Barack

Just kidding. How many Baracks have YOU met?

There are a few honorable mentions as well (Sterling, Ken, Taylor, etc.), but I don’t want to spend all night on this.

Anyway, what are some of the douchiest guy names YOU have come across?

If you say Zach, then, well, I’ll live 😊

Flat Tire

(No, this is not my car)

It was bad enough that it was Monday.

It was bad enough that it was supposed to rain.

It was bad enough that it was cold.

It was even bad enough that I had an appointment with the Dermatologist scheduled for 9 a.m.

But that amount of bad just wasn’t bad enough, I guess.

I had just driven out of the apartment complex yesterday when I heard a distinct thumpthumpthumpthumpthump coming from the right side of my car…where my rear tire sits.

Sure enough, the tire was flat.

There was a pin-sized hole in the sidewall, so I wouldn’t be able to patch it, either.

Apparently duct tape won’t do the trick. I already thought about that πŸ˜’

That still doesn’t make sense to me. Those of you who are car-savvy (which doesn’t take much compared to my vast lack of automobile know how) are probably thinking, “Well, Zach, the sidewall of a tire is much thinner than the treads, so of course you can’t patch a hole there because it will never hold.”

You mean to tell me there’s no combination of duct tape, Flex Seal, Fiber Fix, Super glue, and liquid nails that won’t do the trick?

Screw science.

Side note: is there anything flat in life that’s actually good?

Flat soda, flat tires, jokes that fall flat, flat balloons, flat burgers, I mean all that stuff blows, right?

So hooray for flat tires on cold, rainy Monday mornings!

Yet, life is still good 😊

Veterans Day

I’d just like to take the time to thank all of those who have served our country in the armed forces. We will forever be in your debt. πŸ‡ΊπŸ‡Έ

A special shoutout to:

Michael Yonk

John Yonk

Doug Johnson

Andrew Jackson (no, not the President)

Benji Jackson

Chase Pattillo

David Pattillo

Steve Pattillo

Adam Cooper

Eric Blum

Andy Chisholm

Tim Rohr

Greg Sanders

Joe Frasco

Leroy Seabrooks

Carey Christian

Anthony Crawford

Mark Brennan

Kenton Schumacher

Matt Mosher

Plus anyone else who served/serves who I forgot about (certainly not intentionally).

Red, white and blue. The colors that never run (unless it’s France πŸ˜‰)

Happy Veterans Day!