Last night, I had one of the most ridiculous, vivid, and imaginative dreams of my life.
I was hanging out with the detectives from Law and Order: SVU (by “hanging out,” I mean they were on the job and I was just there trying to look cool).
However, we weren’t in New York. Instead, we were walking around in San Francisco.
Even more shocking, there was not a single pile of human feces on the sidewalk (I didn’t see any needles, either. It was just a dream, after all).
Anyway, dedicated viewers of SVU remember the psychopath William Lewis (played quite convincingly by Pablo Schreiber), who had previously kidnapped Detective Benson only to get pulverized by an iron bed post.
Anyway, there we were in Frisco, when suddenly here comes Lewis, roaring down the street on a damn skateboard.
“There he is!” Detective Rollins cried out.
“We need to twist that fool’s cap back!” Detective Tutuola replied.
But we, unfortunately, did not immediately twist that fool’s cap back.
I tried to shoot Lewis with a knockoff Walther PPK I had in my pocket, but the damn thing wouldn’t even fire.
Lewis was bearing down on me, a maniacal laugh emerging from his mouth.
I reached into my other pocket and pulled out…a rubber band gun? Seriously?!
Rollins came out of nowhere and emptied her Glock at Lewis, but either she was a terrible shot or the bullets just didn’t affect him.
Lewis just laughed, again, hopped back on the skateboard and continued the chase.
Rollins and I ended up in a swanky apartment, hoping Lewis wouldn’t track us down.
That’s when I found a collection of old-school revolvers sitting on a lone table.
And hey, since it was a dream, I had holsters on my hip, ready to tote them six-shooters.
“What the hell are you doing?” Rollins asked.
But before I could respond, Lewis burst in.
I didn’t even hesitate. I blew him out of his socks.
*That’s what she said!*
Then who do you suppose showed up? Clint freaking Eastwood! Well, the 1970’s, elbow-patches-suit version of Clint Eastwood.
I showed him the revolvers I found.
“Dude, Clint, the next time TJ shows his face around here, I’m gonna light him up like you did Redlegs in The Outlaw Josey Wales!”
TJ was an oxygen thief I knew in high school.
Eastwood just grinned at me, then squinted.
Then I woke up.