Waffle House Grits, aka Culinary Napalm

Well, my paycheck was significantly higher than I expected.

You know what that means? Spluuuuuuurge city! You know, wiping my ass with dollar bills at the Waffle House 🎉.

Don’t tell Boo-Thang, but for breakfast this morning I really burned a hole in my pocket. That’s right, the grits were on me 😉.

I ordered a Sausage-Egg-Cheese-Grit bowl. A very complex dish that consists of…sausage, egg, cheese and grits 😀.

I was under the impression that it would be served in one of these bowls:

Instead I got this bowl:

That’s not a bowl; it’s a damn Espresso cup.

Fortunately, Sausage-Egg-Cheese-Grit bowls are mad cheap (as opposed to “indifferent” cheap, like Ramen or Spaghettios) and I could stand to lose a few pounds.

Plus, I drank a couple cups of coffee, so my weight-loss goal should be met in a couple of hours.

Grits are one of the most under-appreciated breakfast dishes of all time (and are especially tasty when served with shrimp, which is sadly NOT featured on the Waffle House menu).

Back in my Waffle House management days, I would occasionally hear a customer (usually a traveler from up north) ask, “What the hell are grits?”

Uh, they’re GOOD, ya Yankee!

However, grits are also one of the most dangerous dishes. They’re like culinary Napalm.

Remember that famous picture of the naked girl who was running away from a Napalm explosion during the Vietnam War, while half of her skin was peeling away?

Getting burned by grits is kind of like that.

Sure, you might be thinking:

“Zach, how dare you compare being burned by grits to Vietnam atrocities!”

Just wait until someone throws a nice, piping-hot plate of grits at you. Then you’ll be able to relate.


Now that I think about it, the American government probably could have saved millions of dollars on the Vietnam War if they had dropped hot grits on Hanoi instead of Napalm.

They’re cheaper (I think), and they’re organic. Plus, the Vietnamese people might have appreciated the fact that we were, in all honesty, dropping free food on them.

Although I’m not 100% sure that explosions of grits would make for effective surfing waves, and Lt. Colonel Kilgore needed good surfing waves. 🤷‍♂️

Okay, so I’m getting slightly away from my original point here. All I’m saying is that grits are f-ing delicious, and more people should eat them.

I guess I could’ve just led with that. Oh well.

Stay warm, y’all!

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