Church Installs Card Swipers on Collection Baskets

In an effort to improve stagnated donation numbers, one local church has decided to move into the 21st century by installing credit card swipers on its collection baskets.

The Reverend Shep F. Leece of the West Raleigh Notoftendenominational Church, or WRNC, said the implementation of card swipers would lead to an increase in donations, which he said the church was in desperate need of.

Leece cited the church parking lot as one thing that donations would go towards improving.

“If Jesus came back today,” Leece said, “He wouldn’t be able to make it through the parking lot without turning an ankle. The potholes are endless.”

Leece also told reporters that installing the card swipers was a necessary move in what he called an “increasingly paperless world.”

“No one carries cash anymore,” Leece added. “If Jesus came back and someone handed him a 20-dollar bill, he’d probably wipe his a** with it not knowing what it was.”

Some of the parishioners, however, were not pleased about the change.

“Service is long enough as it is,” WRNC attendee Jedediah Jones said. “Imagine how long it’s going to take for people to swipe their cards during the collection.”

The Homeless Ministry coordinator, Sally Mae June, said she didn’t think the donations would go to the right place.

“He’s been talking about fixing that parking lot for two years,” June said, “meanwhile he rolls up every Sunday in that fancy BMW of his and parks across the street.”

“I mean, I have a nice car,” Leece said, “I don’t want to break an axle in that lot.”

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