Bring Back Short Shorts

It’s 2019, and I have a bold proposition.

And I mean bold.

We should bring back short shorts for men.

Isn’t a bit odd that while we have gotten more progressive as a society (gays can get married now!), mens’ shorts have gotten more (gasp) conservative?

Why isn’t it socially acceptable for men to wear short shorts anymore?

Fellas, we need to get past this whole “short shorts are gay” thing. Just because a dude is wearing short shorts, it doesn’t mean he wants to get his salad tossed by a guy with a handlebar mustache in leather chaps.

And if a dude happens to WANT to get his salad tossed by a guy with a handlebar mustache in leather chaps, well, good for him.

But you shouldn’t assume such things based merely on the length of a man’s shorts.

I told Boo-Thang I was going to write about this, and her immediate response was:

“I don’t think anybody wants to see that.”

I’m not talking about strolling down 5th Avenue in tighty-whities (I mean seriously, why would any sane person walk around in New York City at all? 😉 kidding).

I’m not talking about wearing shorts tiny enough that your balls pop out.

See this guy? He looks great in short shorts. Guess what you don’t see? His balls. So stop with the ball-fear-mongering.

Short shorts are especially great for athletics because they’re lighter.

Did you ever see a Marathon winner break the finish-line tape wearing shorts that fell below his knees? I haven’t.

If I was a basketball coach, I would make my entire team wear short shorts.

Why? Well, if my team was wearing short shorts, then the opposing team would be less likely to play aggressive defense, because if they go for a steal, they just might graze a bare thigh, or accidentally brush against a sack of balls.

“What are you doing? Go after the ball!”

“Man Hell no, I don’t want him getting the wrong idea!”

Besides, what if you’re going up for a dunk, but your baggy shorts get caught on someone’s earring? They get pulled down, and your hanging from the rim half-naked, then what?

If you had been wearing short shorts, then the earring may have just scraped your thigh, and chicks dig scars. Shane Falco told me so.

It doesn’t even have to be just for sports. If it’s 95 degrees outside and I want to go fishing while whittling away at my farmer’s tan, then I should be able to wear short shorts, dammit!

Men, stop being pussies and wear short shorts. This is America!